Crap. Its started. No matter how much people tell you, no matter how much you prepare- the actual process still feels – uncomfortable. We all know it is coming, and even what to expect. I  personally awaited it with dread. I’m talking about- transitioning. Change.

As this journey comes to an end, there are many things to do. The last few weeks have been filled with much to do, and so are the next few.  I actually love this ‘busy’ period. I feel like I’m finally understanding what I’m supposed to be doing right now. It only took two years. Boo.  

Either way the days are beautiful, and everything is in bloom. I’m amazed at how suddenly spring arrives here. Seriously –  like overnight. One would never think that such horrid winters exist. It’s a paradise. You have to be very observant to notice the change in the season, and even then, it still seems to appear out of nowhere. 

I guess perhaps that’s how I feel right now.  I’ve known for a while that, like the sudden change in seasons, there is a sudden change of life taking place. My problem is not with the reality of it. I’m actually ok with it. I just wish it wasn’t ‘emotional’. Is it possible to go through life’s transitions and not actually ‘feel’ it so strongly? Can’t we just go through it, and skip some of the steps in between? Steps like: anxiety, nervousness, sadness, apprehensiveness, and so on and so forth.

We all know and understand that these emotions, only last, for a moment. They are not indicative of any character flaw, or mental dysfunction.  They are normal. But who wants to be ‘normal’? I don’t. I want to be strong. I want to be excited – all the time. I want to live each day in perfect harmony with my emotions.  I want to never have doubts, or, fears. I want to never be sad, or annoyed. I want to not think about how much I’m going to miss these people, or how much I’ve missed loved ones back home.

In response, I try my absolute hardest – not to be normal. Not to experience the ‘natural emotions’.  I think about the good things. Only. I think about how to not count down the days left, but to make each day count.  I thank God for the time that I have with people that I care about. I try to just be present in the moment. 

However…I still have my moments. They sometimes knock me off my feet. Today I realized in the midst of an ‘emotional’ moment, is that I tense up. So much that not only do I block out the bad, but also the good. I’m ready to shut myself down and out from people. The reality is – I want to reach out, but then I fear I may lose the self-control I’ve worked so hard to maintain.

I’ve only tried surfing once– and sucked. I’m a runner- I don’t do ‘water’ sports, unless it’s one in which I can wear life jacket. The experience of paddling, balancing, and only briefly catching waves – is very much an accurate metaphor of my life right now.  While running typically teaches me about how to deal with life’s consistent struggles, surfing paints a better picture of how to deal with life’s sometimes overwhelming conditions. Transitioning from this life to the next -is and will be overwhelming at times. As expected… 

I suppose its key to remember that the moments come in waves, and like the waves of the sea- they are all unique, and temporary. The same energy that can hurt you or kill you is the same energy that propels you. Sometimes the only way to know how to read a wave…is to ride it.  

Then comes the fear of ‘wiping out’. Even the pros fear it. The moment in time when the you are sucked back into the waves. Everybody wants to surf, but who wants to wipe out?! When facing such a situation, its advised that you slow down, and dealing with the moment than trying to rush out of it. Its also advised that – tensing up, only brings on what we fear the most, and makes things worse. 

Lots of wisdom to be applied … perhaps, just perhaps, I may have to give surfing another chance. 

For now, I’ll just focus on learning to ride the waves that come with change…. 

The most important trip, was the trip back to where it all began two years ago- Chernigov. Ninety- one  volunteers gathered  from all over the country for our official Close of Service or Continuation of Service conference (COS).  I knew that our time was soon coming to an end, but this made it ‘official’. The three day conference was filled with lots of information. Much paperwork to be filled out, flights to be booked, packing…and getting ready to say goodbye. Over the next month and half, most of us will be leaving the place we’ve called home the last two years.

Had a nice reunion with my cluster and link cluster. Proud to report that we all made it through training AND service, and two of us are actually extending an extra 6 months!

Cluster Love!

Reunited with the whole Community Development Group!  25 out of 27 of us finished. We only lost two due to medical. Proud of these guys!

Group 41 : Community Development

Prior to the conference we voted on “Group 41 Superlatives”. I was awarded: “Most likely to become a future celebrity!” Ha!  It think it was because of the ‘billboard’ gig a year ago ( not sure if I told ya’ll about that story…) I also took a language proficiency exam:  I scored Advanced –Mid. YES!! Confirmation of  hard work over the last few months. Love. My. Tutor.

Most Likely to become a Future Celebrity!

Overall it was lots of fun, and one heck of a reunion. It appears that we are the largest group to start, and the largest group to finish.  We also had many people who end up deciding to extend. It was good catching up with people – some I hadn’t seen since the end of training in June 2011!

All in all- we did it!  WE DID IT!!

Congratulations Group 41!

After the conference- I hung out with my language culture facilator.  She has a new group of volunteers- Group 45 arrived the week before.   Here I was, talking to her like a grown child. To think, I was a young babe, an  egg, two  years ago, looking at this ‘new world’ wondering if I had truly lost my mind! I don’t know what I would’ve done without her.
That evening, I went to visit my host family. They surprised me with some amazing news: My host sister is pregnant, with her first child! When I arrived, she’d been married less than a year! Hard to believe that in June- her and my brother in law are expecting their first baby. My host family also has a new volunteer. She arrived about a week and a half ago. Listening to her- I couldn’t believe that was ME two years ago. How far I’ve come! I remember the fear, the in ability to communicate, the sense of confusion, the miming with Mama and Papa. I made sure to give her lots of words of comfort, and to tell her, that she’s in for an adventure of a life time, and that she has a good foundation from which she is starting – because  our host family- is simply the best!

That week, truly symbolized, that the home stretch is near. It’s the Close of Service- here in Ukraine, and the Continuation of Service- back home.

Many volunteers are in their last weeks at site, and packing. They start leaving on May 16^th. Two and half weeks! Yikes.

As for me, the answer to the question you’ve all been asking:

I’m leaving the country on the absolute last day I can, the day my visa expires. My official last day in Ukraine is June 13^th, 2013.  Truth is- lots of mixed emotions. I really have come to love the people here and the work. However, I have a this strong feeling- that its time to move on. I’m not looking foward to saying good bye. I  recently read a blog which describes this experience and the emotions so accurately:

There is a palpable fear to living in a new country, and though it is more acute in the first months, even year, of your stay, it never completely evaporates as time goes on. It simply changes. The anxiousness that was once concentrated on how you’re going to make new friends, adjust, and master the nuances of the language has become the repeated question “What am I missing?” As you settle into your new life and country, as time passes and becomes less a question of how long you’ve been here and more one of how long you’ve been gone, you realize that life back home has gone on without you. People have grown up, they’ve moved, they’ve married, they’ve become completely different people — and so have you.

Well folks, that’s all for now, and stay tuned for more of the  Morena Americana…as she gets ready to leave Ukraine!

Looking back, it seems so surreal. I wish I could say this journey started two years ago, but it didn’t.  Even at the time, I still could not believe, that ‘this’ was about to happen. I recall the long long wait. The many months leading up to that moment…were not easy. If I could use one word to describe it it would be:

Silence.

And LOTS  of it.  I started the process in June/July of 2009.  Yes. 2009- I knew it would take a while, but then awhile turned into what seemed like …forever. By January of 2010, after interviews, and countless medical checks and paperwork, I finally get word from Peace Corps. I am denied due to medical.

I recall the disappointment, and frustration at that time. I was given the option to appeal, and initially I thought… what for? I very well couldn’t eliminate the fact that I have sickle cell, and the reality was- I am a risk. It very well COULD be a problem.  Most people know that I’m a wee bit of a ‘health fanatic’, and yet, here I was – being denied because of my ‘health’. All I knew at the time was that I NO MATTER WHAT…I am determined to live the best life that I can, and I’d proven it. So, I appealed- which was simply a letter stating all I’ve been able to do – in spite of the disease. I asked them to take a look at the way I live my life, and use that, as a better indicator of ’risk’. By this time it was Feb/Mar 2010. I think it was around May that they finally conceded and released me for clearance. Although with restrictions.

If all had gone the way I had planned, I would’ve been packing to leave by then. I would’ve been looking forward to using my ‘native’ language skills in Central/South America. I would’ve been looking for year round summer clothes, rain gears, and an extra bathing suit, or two. Ahhh, but those restrictions changed everything. Now I was restricted to the one region I specifically was NOT interested in, and my departure would be in the fall. No more details given. I would find out…soon.

At the time I was preaching at church, and my sermons reflected the rollercoaster emotions that I was experiencing. I wondered what God was doing during the long, seemingly endless wait. The constant silence. Not knowing anything. Friends wanting to know… and me not having any answers. I wish I could say that I was … ‘perfectly still and trusting’.  Not really.

I couldn’t make any plans at the time. There was still a big chance that it was NOT going to happen. That I was not going to realize my dream. The reality was- I was not ok with it, and though I would get over it, I just wanted to KNOW.  The silence continued the rest of spring. I started applying and interviewing for other jobs- randomly. I didn’t want to ‘waste’ my life away waiting for Peace Corps. Perhaps God had something else in plan? I just knew that I wanted to serve. I wanted to work for an organization that did something for people. I would get to the last stage of an interview, and then, nothing.  Clearly  nothing was going for me.

The silence was broken in early summer – and I was then told by Peace Corps, that I would know….sometimes in November/December. Really?!

Something happened inside of me. It had been a year of constant emotional turmoil. It’s not that I didn’t care anymore, but I was tired. The emotional ups and downs had done me in- and I became, more or less – apathetic.

At the end of summer, I went to NYC for a wedding around Labor Day. Right before I left, I received a call from a large international nonprofit in DC. They wanted to schedule an interview with me. The funny thing is, I had COMPLETELY forgotten that I randomly applied for a job with them- several months before! So unlike me! So we set up the phone interview before I left- which I was 10 min late for! (Again- not like me!!) And for the first time in my life (at least in these types of situations) I just ‘winged’ it. I had no expectations, at that point I had not heard another peep from Peace Corps in a bit over 3 months, and supposedly wasn’t going to hear from them for another…3 or 4. So at that point, I was like ‘come whatever may’. I guess I made some impression – cause then I was asked to come in for an interview. The job was at the company’s headquarters in DC. So- I went.

I honestly was NOT excited. Usually at this point I’m all ‘jumpy’ and nervous. I barely even told anyone. It was a great opportunity, a way to get into the nonprofit, and move to another city. Though I was desperate for change… I wasn’t holding my breath (anymore). I just liked the idea of going to DC, which until then I have never been!

I went to the interview- and of all the interviews I’ve ever been in, it was the SHORTEST. Seriously- about an hour max. I spent the rest of my time enjoying Georgetown, even bought myself a new dress.  I don’t think I gave much thought about the interview- I was still apathetic.

I came home, life continued as normal- back to the silence that I’d somewhat become accustomed to.

Only to get a call about a week and a half later- from the organization- with a job offer.  Perhaps this is God’s will? What’s funny is that when the call came in- due to the DC area code- I automatically thought- Peace Corps. The first thing that came to my mind was- “Now what?!”  After all- we weren’t supposed to ‘talk’ until later in the year (if that…). Turns out- it wasn’t.  About an hour later, I realized I did miss a call from another DC number, a call that came in seconds before the job offer. A call from Peace Corps.

The next day Peace Corps called back, with an ‘official’ invitation. 15 months after it all begin. I finally get the offer…

I love how – I had to wait 15 months, and then they wanted an answer in 72 hrs. The job offer too- they wanted an answer by the end of the week! Really God?!  I was faced with a VERY tough decision. I had two pretty neat opportunities in my hand, both would give me what I want. On one hand, I could do what I love w/out comprimising my lifestyle, and the other hand… well, I just don’t know. 

As they say…when it rains it pours.

The rest as they say is history…and after 20 months of madness… I finally left to a country whose language, people, culture, was completely unknown to me. A place I vaguely remembered existed. A place in a region I explicitly said I wasn’t interested in going.

Now 24 months later, I call this place…my home. I spend my days with people, whom I consider…my family. Truth is, I can’t imagine it any better…it’s been a dream come true.

I reflect on how my day went today…and all the people I interacted with, the multiple conversations—all in Russian. Not even THINKING about what I am going to say… speaking it as if I’ve spoken it all my life! Laughing, joking, planning, shopping…all of it!  If you asked me 24 months ago – if that was even POSSIBLE… I would’ve laughed!! Heck…let’s take it further… 44 months ago- when this all began! Yeah, I would never have believed it… never.

I am BLESSED. Seriously. I love my life. I have so much to be thankful for. I am especially thankful for the love and support from home. America- you rock! Family and Friends- your encouragement, and love, has been the solid foundation from which I’ve stood and still stand. It’s because of you, that I had the courage to step out of the amazing world I lived in and live and work with some AMAZING people. No regrets.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

I spent the bulk of last month helping to develop a project focused on the development of women entrepreneurs in our city.  I learned that women account for 70% of the 4,016 registered and active small businesses in our town.  The focus of this project is to specifically address barriers that exist in the local government.

It is well-known that the promotion of small business development, especially in small towns, is a key component of economic development. Local officials are aware of this and therefore develop strategic initiatives to support local entrepreneurship. It turns out, that in Voznesensk, local government’s strategic plans, and policies that encourage entrepreneurial activity – fail to include women’s issues and gender equality.

This was all new to me. What exactly does that mean? What does it look like? As far as I understood, these plans did not exclude women. What more is there needed for women to be included?  In order to properly develop this project, I had to ask a lot of questions, and know exactly what was going on in the community that called for such an intervention.  What I discovered, not only surprised me, but changed me.

Last week I spoke about the importance of seasons, and referenced my love for the fresh fruits and vegetables that I purchase. In spite of the growing popularity, and number of supermarkets in Ukraine, people will tell you that the best place to get your fresh produce is at the local bazaar.  Even with the presence of two large supermarkets, most of my town’s 38,000 residents prefer to buy their fresh food products from local vendors, at the local bazaar. In reality, it’s significantly cheaper, and much higher in quality. On the sidewalks, you can see old Babushkas (grandmothers) selling their homegrown and homemade products. Potatoes, beetroots, carrots, jams, pickles, eggs – and more. It should come as no surprise that more than 75% of these vendors are women.

Here are some pictures of the bazaar I frequent.

Though the 1990’s brought a massive surge of entrepreneurs, for most of these women, their entrepreneurial endeavors were not born out of opportunity, but rather necessity- a means of supplementing their meager incomes.  By its nature, these enterprises, are much smaller than their male counterparts, and therefore generate significantly less in revenue.

These women are essentially, unaware of ways to develop, and grow their businesses. They are unaware of the policies and legislation that impact their business- all of which would be addressed by the programs the local officials are designing and implementing.

Wherein lays the issue? Well to name a few…

-          The programs do not take into consideration women specific needs in scheduling. Many women have children and at home responsibilities that limit their participation in the meetings.

-          Structures are at times overgeneralized and sometimes irrelevant and therefore fail to reflect the nature of women’s enterprises.

-          Information is disseminated through means which don’t reach women and therefore resulting in a lack of awareness by women, of these programs.

These barriers and more are what our project aims to rectify, through the development of multi-city gender mainstreaming program in which, local municipalities and those in administration units (ie. Budgeting, planning, and service delivery), will undergo trainings/workshops that will raise their capacity to provide services that reflect the various needs of its people, and promote the engagement of women in decision making processes Ultimately, it will create a structure that is more inclusive, and gender balanced, while protecting and promoting the economic rights of women.

Lack of consideration to women’s rights and interests prevent women from being active and engaged in government, and other sectors of the community.  It is a critical and often overlooked form of human rights violation.

According to Ukranians, March 1^st marks the beginning of spring. In the days leading up to it and the day of people are constantly saying, “Spring is here!”.  I remember last year when this happened and I thought to myself ‘um… spring doesn’t officially start until March 21st, and how can you see snow on the ground and say its ‘spring’’. Not in my book, and especially not where I come from.

This year, I’m thinking, and processing things a little differently. First off, the weather hasn’t been half as bad as it was last year this time. It’s still cold, but bearable.  Secondly, I view and understand seasons much differently than I used to. Living in Ukraine, I’ve learned to take notice and even appreciate the change of seasons. Most of life’s activities, especially for those living in small towns and villages, revolve around the change of seasons.

Warm weather, flowers, and green grass are key indicators of the season- at least for me.  However, towards the end of February, by the beginning of March, many Ukrainians start planting.  Today my tutor told me that if I waited until the weather was warmer, and the grass is green to start planting… that it would be too late. I guess I never noticed when exactly a season ends or begins. I just wake up and it’s here in its fullness!

For example, today one of my co-workers is at home planting radishes, which is typically the first vegetable you can get a hold of come April/May. As a matter of fact, there are many people in their gardens today planting.  Yesterday, I was told of a flower called ‘подснежник’ or ‘snowdrop’. In actuality it literally translates to ‘under snow’. It’s one of the first flowers to bloom, and considered a sign of spring, and capable of growing while there is still snow on the ground.  Wow!

I love how our bodies know and adapt to the season we are. Living on a limited budget, purchasing food that is out of season  is not affordable. So my diet in the winter is ‘sparse’ to say the least.  Lots of cabbage, carrots, potatoes, but when spring, summer and -my goodness- fall gets here… it’s a paradise! The bazaar is full of whatever fruits and vegetables are in season! What’s cool is that each product has its own time, and within several weeks, that product becomes less and less available.  I recall last spring when I went to the bazaar to purchase a type of squash, but then a dish I wanted to make required squash and eggplant, but, eggplant doesn’t come out for a few weeks!

I also noticed that – when a certain product is in season, say cucumbers and tomatoes (which is typically July/Aug) I can seriously eat endless amounts of it and not tire of it.  It tastes so good, and given how cheap it becomes – you can’t beat it.  However – outside of the season, I don’t really care for it, and well, it just doesn’t taste the same, and when I purchase it (from the local supermarket), I can taste the difference.  At first, it looks so appetizing, the roundest prettiest tomatoes or peppers that I’m used to seeing back in the states. However compared to the small peppers and tomatoes that I get from the local gardens here… they just don’t compare.

Having lived in a city all my life, and surrounded by supermarkets, getting a certain product out of its season or at least a frozen variation of its form– is a norm. I get to have what I want when I want, even if it costs me more. But living here has taught me – that certain things are not available or even desirable outside of its season.

Every season, has its purpose- and we often try to ‘fight’ the season we’re in, resist it. We’ve created so many artificial substitutes, or distractions that we don’t even realize that our problems, challenges, moods, and come from the time that we’re in, what we are going through,  and that perhaps, we should surrender and let nature take its course. Naturally.

I can best describe my time here, as a series of ‘seasons’ both physically and emotionally. Much of it has even coincided with the weather. Though normally eager for winter to end, for once, I’m not.  It’s been long, it’s definitely not my favorite season, but, it has its purpose.  Some of which I may not understand at this moment.  Lots of what I want to know- will come in its time.

A friend of mine this week forwarded me a powerful imagery of what we go through when we go through the seasons of life- I especially liked the advice on spring.

When in spring periods (again – times of growth opportunity and planting seeds) you need discipline, effort, patience and belief.  This is a time of waiting and planning.  It’s a time for confidence, action and consistency.  When your actions and behaviors embrace these mindsets you are setting yourself up for future success in the coming seasons.  Without them you will fail to realize the hopes, dreams and results you desired.

Though I’ve attended several mini trainings on HIV/AIDS , awareness campaigns, and  have even helped out other volunteers conduct trainings – there was still much I did not realize or understand.  Prior to going to the training, I was challenge- by way of an intense discussion- on (1) whether there are any benefits it to these trainings, (2) does the information provided and format of these trainings make/made the situation with HIV/AIDS worse (i.e.  Is there an increase in sexual behavior among teenagers as a result), and (3) how should people with HIV/AID live ( i.e. should they/ can they  have sex, children, be in relationships, etc.).

Initially my answers were automatic – and quite defensive – (1) ‘of course there is a benefit to these trainings!, and (2) ‘no! That’s ridiculous – how could teaching teenagers about safe sex ‘worsen’ the problem?!’ and (3) ‘well – … I don’t know, I never thought about that, but to say otherwise would be a form of discrimination!’ At that moment, I realized that in spite of what I knew,   there was much I was still unsure of. So I set out to find out.

The training consisted of several workshops covering a range of topics such as history, biology, epidemiology, stigma and discrimination. In addition, we had guest speakers: Ukrainian people living with HIV/AIDS.  Each speaker was different, and represented a different risk group:  former intravenous drug user (IDU), commercial sex worker ( CSW), men sleeping with men (MSM), and  a teenager ( one born with HIV).   It was truly a unique opportunity to hear firsthand their stories and having the opportunity to ask specific questions.  I was especially impacted by the realities of their struggle in light of the cultural dynamics, especially in the area of stigma and discrimination. These discussions weren’t, aren’t easy. There were moments of great discomfort. However, I was also very proud. These people are true pioneers in changing the way people here think, and act towards  those who are unfortunate to live with HIV/AIDs.

A lot was gained from attending this training. I found out that:

-          As of 2012- the number of people over the age of 15 living in Ukraine is estimated to be 230,000, accounting to .58% of the total population.  (For the longest the number was reported to be greater than 1% of the pop.)

-          The main route of HIV/AIDS transmission from 1995-2007 was reported to be primarily from injection drug users. Today, sexual transmissions are higher. So yes, prevention programs and activities that focus on sexual behaviors and choices play a crucial role in the further development of HIV infection.

-          Since 1999, the number of HIV infected individuals was gradually increasing, however in the last two years, there has been a steady reduction in newly reported HIV cases in the ages of 15-24, and therefore perhaps, a sign of stabilization, and proof that prevention and intervention programs are working.

-          Treatment of those infected with HIV with Antiretroviral Treatment (ARTs) is crucial. Though there is no cure for HIV/AIDS, ART’s can keep the virus under control, and at levels that are almost undetectable. People who are infected with HIV can live a long life; have a relationship, family and even kids.  I’ve seen them, I’ve met them.

and much more!

I was initially going to go to this training by myself. My primary organization does not work with HIV/AIDs and therefore  the theme of this training was not relevant.  As a result, most of my work has been in assisting other volunteers. Also at the time, I did not think that I knew anyone in my community who would be interested in coming with me, and perhaps be inspired to partner with me or another volunteer with implementing a small project locally. Then, at the last minute, I asked a Ukrainian friend of mine, if she would be interested. Truth be told, I was very hesitant. However, the Lord laid it on my heart to ask her. I did, and she accepted. I will say: God blessed immensely, and in ways that words can barely describe! Another post for another day, however,   I’m glad I was obedient to His prompts.  I had no idea or expectations as to the purpose this would have.  In some ways, I still don’t.  But an active, living faith is often an act of obedience without full or clear understanding.

I said it before, but it’s worth repeating – I’m amazed at how much I take for granted. Working and living in a post-soviet country presents some very unique challenges.  One of the things I observed this past week, and appreciated, is that most of the communities represented were not from big metropolitan cities. Many of these are small towns, and villages, and many of the people have never even left their small town or village.  All of us had to face a very tough issue, and ask each other and ourselves some very tough questions. Then we all had to try to find a way, to take what we’ve learned, and do something with it.  Thankfully, there were some pros in the mix- organizations with previous experience in implementing projects relating to HIV/AIDs. It was a good thing, for people needed to see and then believe that communities, large and small, can and do make a difference. They needed know that a project raising awareness about HIV/AIDS, isn’t impossible, nor does it cost a lot, but most importantly despite what we believe and think,  and whether we like it or not, any hope in changing, reducing, and stopping this epidemic- is truly our responsibility.

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been here almost 2 years. It’s hard to believe that the time has flown by, and  is winding down. The last few weeks I’ve had more time than I care for, to reflect.  Time to reflect about life here, back in the states, what to do next, and how to live out these last few months.

I spent most of my holidays in state of anxiety, which was very hard to shake. I was grateful for the time back home, as it had been a chaotic few months, and I missed my family dearly. However, I found myself worrying a lot. Worry and anxiety in levels that I had never experienced before.  Perhaps I was simply overwhelmed by the holiday celebrations, or experiencing a little bit of reverse culture shock.  It didn’t help that I was also trying to finish and submit graduate school application during that time. In the end – the effects were emotionally messy, and I often felt like breaking down.

The truth is no matter what happens, I’m going to be ok. I will get through whatever challenges I will face. I know the truth. God’s promises are constant and have always been proven – in spite of my worries.

As I reflect, I start thinking about things I could, should have done while here in Ukraine. I think about how to measure my work, and presence here. On good days, I feel proud of myself. On bad days, I feel like the biggest failure ever. I think about relationships I created here. I wonder if I did a good job establishing them, maintaining them, growing them. I think about what I could’ve done better, how I could’ve been better. I think … a lot.

My prayers as of late have been to know how to spend these last few months.  Once time is gone, you can never get it back. I’d rather not spend it thinking so much, but doing more. I would like to not worry so much about what is next, but at the same time, I feel responsible for taking steps towards my future.

I know that my anxiety is somewhat natural, and to be expected. In these times I feel like Peter in Mathew 14 – in a place where I can see Him, and hear his voice telling me to “take courage”, and wanting to walk toward Him on the water.  I know in my heart that I can trust Him, but as soon as I step out on that water, and I get going for a little while, the ‘the wind’ blows – and life gets a little messy, and I lose my focus, and like Peter,  I become afraid.

Trusting God is truly a daily decision.  The further ‘out to sea I go’, the harder it is, and the more ‘the wind’ seems to bothers me.  Oh how I would love to see land, and just ‘anchor’, and know that I can put my feet on solid ground!

As for what to do these last days:  I found my answer in Hebrews 6:10-12

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.  We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized.  We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

The certainty of God’s promises is in HOPE – and according to Hebrews 6:19- Hope is an anchor for my soul, firm and secure.

As well as one of the longest! Though, I wouldn’t change a thing…

In Ukraine, New Year’s Day celebrated on January 1^st- like in most countries, is usually considered the ‘main’ holiday- and it kicks off almost a month of holiday celebrations. Christmas in particular is celebrated according to the Julian calendar, as in most other Eastern Orthodox Christian countries, and currently approximately 13 days ahead. Therefore, Christmas Eve is on January 6^th and Christmas day on January 7th. I arrived to Ukraine after three weeks of non-stop holiday celebrations in the US, just in time to celebrate: the New Year.

“Old” New Year that is.  January 14^th is the date New Year’s Day falls on according to the Gregorian calendar. So, it’s “January 1^st”on the old Julian calendar, which was predominantly used in Europe, until 1582, and then replaced by the Gregorian calendar. Though Russia, adopted the Gregorian calendar until 1918, many Eastern Orthodox churches still use the old Julian calendar for religious holiday, and hence the difference in  when the western world celebrates many of the big  religious holidays such as Christmas, and Easter.

Now you’ve had your history lesson for the year.   You’re welcome.

I arrived to Ukraine on the 11^th, it was freezing, and I had heavy luggage. The next day I decided to ‘splurge’ a little and forgo the long overnight train ride, for the bus. As a result, instead of arriving at 2am on Saturday, I arrived at 9pm on Friday, and in 6hrs instead of 11. (America you spoiled me!)I could not have asked for a better welcome, than to be met at the bus station, by my best friend Vova-  the spirit, kindness, love, -  that makes this place feel like HOME.

Our team decided to hold off the office party until I got back – and I guess my timing could not have been more perfect! So on January 13^th, the “Old New Year’s Eve”, we had a big celebration!

The festivities don’t end there! There is also the tradition of caroling (Колядка ).  On Old New Year’s day groups of kids call at people’s homes and businesses singing songs, and wishing them good fortunes for the New Year. People would in turn give some sort of sweet or money in return.  Last year and this year, my sister organization, used this time to collect money for the community foundation.  There were 18 kids, dressed in traditional Ukrainian outfits, singing all over our town. I so badly wanted to see it, and so they dropped by the office and I got my own special performance!

Another word for these carols is Щедривки- (shchedriki), which comes from the word ‘generosity’. In fact, my absolute FAVORITE Christmas Carol, and one which most of us are familiar with, is Щедрик- or   “Carol of the Bells” is Ukrainian!  (Lesson #2 for you! )

In finale – the celebrations are closed out January 19thwhen Orthodox Christians celebrate the Epiphany (normally celebrated by the Catholics on the 6^th of January- note the 13 day difference!). This is a celebration of the baptism of Christ.  On this day, many Ukranians go to a local river or lake.  A hole is made in the ice. The priest comes and says a blessing over the water, and lowers a cross into the hole, after this the water is considered to be sanctified. Many people gather with their water bottles and jars to take the water home. It is believed that the water possesses healing properties and gives health.  In addition, many will jump in the icy cold water.

My friend Vova decided that this year he wanted to take part in the annual tradition. I, of course would take no part in diving in. It was interesting to watch though.

And there you have it! The holidays are officially over. It’s a NEW YEAR and 2013 brings renewed hope worldwide.  Thanks for reading, and expect more thoughts and adventures to come from La Morena Americana in Ukraine !

WOW! Can’t believe its 2013 already! I plan to keep this post short and sweet. I hope everyone’s had a great end to another year. I know I did! Because this year, I spent Christmas and New Years with my family in Charlotte, NC. Thanks to my little brother, I was able to come home for the first time in 21 months! 21 months since I’ve seen my family and and family. 21 months since I’ve eaten at my favorite restaurants, and had my favorite home cooked meals.  21 months since I’ve slept in my own bed.

As I reflect back on 2012…I sing the famous song from the movie Rent “Seasons of Love”. There are 525,600 minutes in a year. I mean really — How do you measure a year?

 Below you will find a gallery of  20 pictures highlighting atleast 1 adventure from each month. Enjoy!

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, a year in the life?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

How about love?
Measure in love

It’s time now, to sing out
Though the story never ends
Let’s celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Rent- “Seasons of Love”

HAS BEEN FULLY FUNDED!!

Praise the Lord! And what a testimony it is to his goodness too! Now we officially have -$3,535 to be used toward creating energy efficient homes, and increasing organizational sustainability. When I left for vacation at the end of September the numbers were low, only $75 raised- and a long ways to go! It had been a little over month of ‘begging’ and well, I decided to give it a rest until after vacay. I came back from vacation, with a renewed spirit and drive, only to find out that the fund was up by $1,000. Whoop whoop! Just $2,400 to go! A lot still to go, but now it was hopeful! I was gearing up to start’ begging’ some more – we needed to get this project going ASAP or risk losing the existing funds we already had!

The end of that same week- I went to ‘check’ the balance to report out a balance to potential donors (not that there would be any significant changes in 72hrs right?). I searched by my last name to find the message – ‘sorry no project under this name’, according to the website. At first, I was confused, and a little panicked. Then searched under my project number- to get the message ‘this project has been fully funded’. My mouth dropped to the floor. I started dancing, hooray-ing, I was so excited … shocked … I could hardly believe my eyes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! For a moment I thought it HAD to be a glitch (not that I don’t believe in miracles…but…), but then Peace Corps confirmed it! The total funds were raised in less than a month. People- this is not NORMAL – it is an outlier, an anomaly… a miracle. I am humbled and truly grateful.

Thank you America, you guys rock!  I really really appreciate your generosity.

I can’t even begin to tell you how hard it was to WRITE this project, how LONG it took me to write it, how many times its been REWRITTEN, and well – I had so many doubts about it. To see it funded so fast – is truly confirmation I needed right now to press on, and keep the faith.

In the midst of my uncertainties I kept referring back to this quote on my wall:

Let your actions betray your uncertainties.

And with this I end my 19^th month in Ukraine. Month 20- marks the beginning of the home stretch. In November PC groups 39/40 (they came together) will officially close out their service, and return back to the motherland. That makes my group- group 41, the next group out…